I arrived about 10 minutes early as is my nature, and ordered a glass of wine to calm my nerves, and waited. And waited. My date arrived about 20 minutes late and breezed into the bar area as if he owned the place. He swooped down on my little corner table and introduced himself, no apologies for being late, and with an air of confidence that I should be humbled in his presence. But I wasn’t.
He wasn’t a bad-looking guy, he was tall, had dark hair and nice white teeth. But when he spoke, he spoke with an annoying, grating voice – and scrunched up his face when he spoke, which made his teeth more prominent. I thought he was trying to imitate someone – I couldn’t quite place who he reminded me of, but it was grating on my every last nerve. We had met fairly early in the day to grab a late lunch with tentative plans of going to see a movie afterward. If it went well enough, it would also extend into dinner. I knew within 5 minutes of him sitting at the table that it was going to go no further.
The entire lunch he talked non-stop – telling me all about his wonderful house, his awesome boat, his souped-up car, all the material possessions he owned, all the ‘important’ people he knew and how he climbed the ladder to success…as if that would be the clincher to have someone fall madly, deeply in love with him on the spot. As the lunch progressed and he kept regaling me with all of his ‘importance’, I kept trying to figure out who he reminded me of. His annoying voice was really bugging me, and at the conclusion of lunch I had a throbbing headache. As he paid for lunch and we got ready to go, he enthusiastically asked if I was ready to head over to the movie. I was not. I tend to be too nice, I don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings, so I wasn’t about to tell him that I really didn’t want to spend any more time with him. Instead, I explained that I had been fighting a bug for a while, and just wasn’t feeling very well, that we should just call it a day.
He was disappointed and tried to talk me into at least going to the movie since I’d be able to just sit and relax in the dark. I politely turned him down and said I’d just rather head home. He offered to come home with me… Hello?! Uh, no thanks. Then he started recounting all his ‘cool stuff’… Really? The four or five times you mentioned your myriad of things during the meal, you think you need to bring them up again? How many times do I really need to hear about his boat? My bartender buddy saw that I was having trouble trying to extricate myself from the never-ending ‘see ya later’ mode, so she came over and said there was a problem with the bar bank the weekend bookkeeper had put together for her, and asked if I would be able to help her figure it out…perfect escape! My date finally, reluctantly, left.
As I headed home – happily alone – it finally hit me who my date reminded me of. The annoying voice. The scrunched up face while talking. Gilbert Gottfried! This, my friends, is pretty much how my date was that day: